Still here. I’ve begun sleeping better. Headache is gone. Stomach ache 95% gone. I am not craving or even wanting alcohol. And my brain fog has lifted.
Yesterday I hosted a dinner for my son’s 24th birthday. In attendance was my oldest daughter and grandchild (he’s 20 mos), my youngest daughter and fiancé, and my ex-husband (their father).
Earlier in the day yesterday as I was cleaning, prepping dinner, putting out flowers & serving bowls, etc…I was feeling excited for the party, then thought, “Oh no, I’m going to miss out on bonding with everyone who will have drinks? Do I buy drinks? I don’t really want to buy drinks, I don’t really want to drink but I don’t want to feel left out, etc”.
So, as I’ve promised myself to do this time, I HONESTLY assessed the situation…first, my youngest and her fiance rarely if ever drink. Then my oldest is 9 mos pregnant, my son drinks, but not all the time, and my ex-husband drinks almost all the time.
So I cooked and served a lovely meal. I offered water, kombucha, coffee, tea or milk as drinks. My ex brought his own beer in a little cooler. He and my son had beer on the patio before dinner. But not a lot as I didn’t sense any drunkeness at all.
It went very well. And I enjoyed it too. Not despite myself or with clenching teeth, but I genuinely enjoyed being present, with my family, breaking bread & celebrating my son’s birthday. And I didn’t sense that anyone cared at all about alcohol being there.
I woke up this morning GREATFUL that I stayed AF yesterday.
Up ahead in the next 8 weeks I have my youngest’s 21st birthday, Thanksgiving, birth of my grandson, youngest daughter’s Wedding, Christmas, New Years and my birthday. Do I want to kick off this next phase of our family’s life (new baby, new son-in-law, new extended family) with sober grace, dignity and presence? Yes.
I either surrender the drink or let it own me. I’m feeling hopeful but guarded. Today is the first time in a very long time that I want to be sober. I am scared because I don’t want to lose this.
Jenn
HealthyJen 
Step by step. So happy at how you navigated the birthday party! Nicely done.
I think I’ll always puzzle over what my brain thinks happens “over a glass of wine,” as far as bonding and togetherness, that doesn’t when something else is in the glass. There’s some romance in that that I haven’t been able to disentangle. When in fact the result of those glasses of wine in everybody’s hands is SOLELY to isolate each of us in our own little jangly fog. Exactly how is that togetherness? (And, looking at it slightly differently, the idea of me feeling “included” by others because I’m drinking the same thing they are is a crock of sh&t because they are absorbed in their own buzz. (They don’t care either way, but really don’t care when they’re drinking alcohol.) Thanks for letting me parse this on your webpage 🙂 )
I agree. Intellectually I know that alcohol doesn’t bring people closer. I have experienced alcohol preventing people from having close, honest relationships though…I honestly feel pretty good not drinking now. For me I know that I must find a way to embrace my alcohol-free identity unapologetically. And in my search for that now, I’m trying to be as honest as possible with myself in order to dispel (in my own mind) the “romance” of a glass of wine. It’s rare that I have “one” glass anyhow. And it’s only every now and then I even have enjoyed it much.
There’s zero romance in talking loud, passing out, headaches, remorse, etc. Not sure if the romance is from advertising, or from times past before it was a problem, or maybe we just tend to glorify “chasing a high”. It all seems so obvious and undignified to talk/write about but I sense it what must be done. Glad to see you here! Adrian please “parse” here anytime 🙂
After pondering this some more yesterday, I think for me the romancing of the image of “sharing a glass of wine” is part of the power of images for human beings (as evidenced in and being made stronger by the technologies that make it so easy to take and disseminate selfies and other images of our lives that send a certain message). We’re so powerfully affected by images — photos, things we actually see, and our memory of both. When a person posts a particularly photogenic picture of themselves on FB, all the oohing and ahhing. When I go look up an actor on Wikipedia who happened to be decidedly not that attractive in whatever movie and notice the Wikipedia photo which shows them as strikingly fabulous looking and how that changes my perceptions. Or that time I saw an apparently sweet scene of a woman and a 12-ish-year-old girl in a coffee shop and was struck with desire for the romance of having a child, when they could have been talking about the death of their pet cat and when I in all other moments of my life have had no reason to believe I would be happy as a parent. Laura McKeowen has a great post along these lines called “Pictured/Not Pictured”: https://www.lauramckowen.com/blog/2016/9/6/pictured
Scared is ok. Trust that you know what’s best for you. If not, trust me when I say in a few weeks you will be marvelling at how much possibility there’s is in your life. The same life.
Hugs
Anne
Yes ma’am. I want to live AF. I do trust you, and you saying that helps.
Yes, I struggled with the “bonding” over drinks feelings.
Now, it’s much better, but it never goes completely away for me.
The difference is, I KNOW, I will ruin my beautiful new sober life, if I take that drink.
So I choose to just be happy here.
xo
Wendy
Thanks Wendy. I can give up the “bonding over drinks” idea. I guess it all comes back to accepting this for what it is rather than fighting it. I’m glad you have a beautiful life. That speaks volumes.