I haven’t been drinking and quite honestly, I am trying to make sense of my past drinking, and the world’s drinking. My life is better alcohol free. And in the past, I’ve felt like I was missing out on something by not drinking. I mean it’s crazy how when I chose not to drink, I get so many comments like, “are you pregnant?”, “on the wagon?”, etc. Why, in the first place, is it such an oddball thing to not drink? Is it everywhere, or have I just aligned myself with the world’s drinkers?
I am on a journey, this time, to see things as they are. I don’t particularly care how anyone else sees alcohol, or any drug for that matter. There are so many strong opinions surrounding alcohol use and abuse that I’ve previously allowed to prejudice my thinking. According to AA alcohol addicts have a disease, and the world is separated into “normal drinkers”, “heavy drinkers”…and…”alcoholics”…a concept that has never sat right with me. Is there really a category of people that divides us up by how we process a fermented substance? I don’t quite believe that, but I do see that some people definitely have more of a propensity than others to abuse addictive substances. So to each his own.
Is drinking socially really a “normal” state of being, and if you don’t drink, you are diseased? And if I miss drinking, am I really missing drinking? (i.e…do I miss sounding dumb, hangovers, spending money, not being able to drive, excess calories, bad health effects, etc.). Maybe I miss numbing myself, or checking out…or maybe I don’t miss it and I actually like being present for my own life. What I “think” I miss really isn’t there in alcohol. It’s a lie. What do I want, or what do I think I’m missing?
The “good times with friends over wine”…I think I miss this, but really I want to fit in. I want good friendships. I want people to like me. Maybe I thought wine brought me these things, but mostly wine made me not care that I don’t really have what I want in life.
I’ve been in a relationship that I’ve needed to end for a while. Wine just makes it more palatable…kind of like an anesthetic for my emotions. Sometimes I enjoy the high from that first glass of wine. But it never lasts really. It’s a lie and it has a pretty high price.
And a couple bottles of wine makes being alone for an evening a little easier…but what I really want is to be okay with where my life is, or get my life to where I want it rather than climb into a bottle. What I really want is a life that I don’t want to miss a minute of.
Right now I am worried about money, frustrated that my career isn’t further along, angry that I married a man who didn’t take care of us so I’ve had to take care of things for so many years, frustrated that I’m 30 lbs overweight, disappointed that I’ve wasted so much of my life in relationships that aren’t good for me and frustrated because I feel like I couldn’t get everything done even if I had 100 hours in a day.
Drinking wine will not fix any one of those things. In fact, the very thing I’ve sought comfort in (my wine), is what has allowed me to be numb enough not to take action where I need to.
On the surface I seem okay to some people, and I now realize how little that matters. I have a managerial job, a side business, 3 healthy kids, I own my home, etc. etc. Those things matter, they do. But they aren’t a total measure of health…real health and happiness.
Do I think that quitting drinking will magically bring anything to my life that I want? No. Does drinking stand in the way of everything I want. Yes. That pretty much sums it up. Now, to figure out not just how to live without wine (I just won’t put any in my mouth…easy enough). No, I don’t want to just live without wine….I want to live a life where I don’t feel the need to numb myself…where thoughts of a substance don’t have any control over me…I think the word I’m looking for is freedom.
I’m off to work for today.
HealthyJen 
Yay! So glad to hear that you have stopped! It takes a bit to come through the haze of alcohol to get a reality check. Your post is so clear – I see motivation and the want/need to be better. Don’t dwell on the past, it won’t help anything. You are here now, you are not drinking, and each day you are getting stronger.
You are correct, drinking does hold people back from realizing their true potential. We think it is our safety net, always there when we need it, while it is slowly twisting our minds, hearts and of course ruining our health. The fact that you recognize this is huge!
If it helps, I created a Pro/Con list when I was fed up with my nightly wine numbing ritual. Each morning (whether I drank the night before or not) I would add a few items so I could look back on the list. This included waking up to Facebook notifications and wondering what I posted the night before, starting a horrible argument with my husband for no reason, waking up feeling horrible, etc. My Pros list though spoke to my heart: remembering reading books with my daughters right before bed, remembering tucking my daughters into bed like a real mother, and of course waking up with out hating myself in the morning. Not worrying about empty promises that I made each morning to start fresh and never drink again.
Be proud of what you have accomplished so far! This time of year is so stressful in itself, so you get extra points for that too 🙂
It is good to see the reality if drinking.
It is numbing life. Making us complacent. Blind.
Take it one day at a time. Just don’t drink. Period. Hide in the bath. Go sledding. Eat chocolate. Drink tea. Whatever.
I understand your normie vs alcoholic thoughts. I still use AA for support and as a place to hear others stories and honesty. That is it’s power for me.
Just be. Take care of yourself. And slowly the fog will lift and you will see clearly again.
Until then just try to surrender to not drinking and self kindness.
Xo
Anne
Sounds like you are on the right track. I frequently have to remind myself when I feel a desire to turn back to drinking exactly what you said: it won’t change anything, it just covers over the problem for a little while. Hang in there! I enjoy your posts and am behind you 100%.