Today is my first time logging onto my blog for over 3 years. I originally put up the drink in early 2014 and lived sober for almost three years, then sometime in 2017 I took a drink of wine… and nothing happened…life just carried on and on.. My career kept going well, my daughter gained admission to a prestigious college, and I had money in the bank. Almost a year went by before I got drunk again. And then…less time went by before the next time. In 2018, my (youngest) daughter left for college and I became an empty nester…so I started going out after work for drinks. And here I am now. A couple years later. Despite everything, once again with an almost nightly drinking habit. And it has begun to cost me this time. I am at a crossroads…
I once again feel the call to live life sober. The call scares me, because it’s asking more of me than I want to give myself right now. There’s a small steady voice that comes from my heart that knows that I am cutting myself off at the knees by drinking. I can quiet that voice with wine, or vodka. But it creeps back up at 3am and whispers to me, telling me I don’t have to live like this.
And then another voice tugs at me, saying that I “deserve” to drink…because I work hard, because I’ve survived domestic violence, because I raised my kids as a single mom, because I’ve suffered mentally ill family, because it’s classy to have a glass of wine while talking politics to friends…because, because because…this voice comforts me when I drink, but also repulses me…because I know that it does not come from love. It is a lie.
I could live like this…work by day, drink by night…rinse and repeat until I die. I can drink my way to a slow steady march away from truth, sentience, love and life. Or maybe I can’t live like this. I feel so tired and unwell. Drinking is affecting my health. It’s impacting my drive. I can feel it. I didn’t want this to be the case. I just wanted to be normal.
I’m so mad at myself for being here again. And unlike when I decided to live sober a few years back, this time, the idea of sobriety is not some shiny new “thing”. Now it’s something I clearly failed at, and it sucks. And I’m ashamed. I don’t want to waste my life playing a mind-game with myself…I so very much loathe the idea of labeling myself as an addict and then have to have that label define me. I don’t know…perhaps it’s defining my life whether or not I acknowledge it.
I want to live authentically. I don’t want to live a lie. I am scared. Why is this so hard? God help me.
HealthyJen 
I just opened my email after seeing my osteopath and here you are!
I was thinking of you yesterday and wondering how life has been. It is great to hear from you.
My thought? This isn’t hard. Sober is how life should be. It is the clinging to the familiar numbness that makes it seem hard. If you go back to it it won’t be deprivation and lack, it will be shiny and lovely again.
In a few weeks I will hit 7 years. They have not been easy, and , if you look back at my last few years you will see I am now divorced and pretty much a single parent to my two teens. Life has thrown many curve balls, like it does.
I still think being sober gives me the foundation to manage through it and find some serenity amidst the chaos.
It is great to hear from you. Please stay!
Stillness and peace,
Anne
Hi Anne! I’m so happy to hear from you too. I know better. Not sure why I insist on fighting it. Thank you for reminding me that it doesn’t have to be hard. I miss self-care, peaceful sleep, and a clear mind. My job became very terrible this year between a new boss (who was downright abusive) and 15 hour days due to Covid-19…I started experiencing intense anxiety and I coped with alcohol. I’ve left that job, sought help with a counselor, and here I am. Anyhow I am sorry to hear about your divorce and I’m inspired by your strength…Thank you for still being here.
Jenn
Jenn, hi!!! I’m so happy to see your words on the screen!
Some thoughts, in no particular order…. I love that your heart is murmurring that it wants freedom. And health and peace. Please know that your anger and frustration and disappointment that sobriety is not the original shiny new thing is normal normal normal. Shared by so many people. I hope you can feel it, deeply, and then keep moving….
Your sober 2.0 self is waiting for you and her eyes are shining every bit as brightly as your sober self of 2014+. She’s a different creature, and she’ll have her own version of drive and peace and health. But she will be vibrant and lovely and as strong (and fragile) as you were before. You may even like her better 🙂
You can do this. Think about what “sober supports” (a la tiredofthinkingaboutdrinking) were effective for you a few years ago, put them back in your life, and add more. Why is this so hard? It’s hard because of our brains’ stupid receptors and because we live in an alcohol-soaked world that is bad news when it gets its hands on our brains’ receptors. (Have you ever read _Alcohol Explained_? It’s great. I’m due for another read.)
You can do this. hugs, Adrian
Hello Adrian! Nice to see you still here. I love the “Sober me 2.0” concept…thank you for introducing kindness and hope at a time when I’m feeling shame. It’s becoming apparent to me very quickly that over the last year or so, I’ve completely stopped all self-care and reintroduced the negative self-talk. Without a healthy support network, I’ve self-destructed this year. Oh!.. I’ve ordered the “Alcohol Explained” book. I’ve also been listing to podcasts by Rich Roll -I actually started listening to them because he’s an endurance athlete and I wanted some fitness inspiration (oh the irony of wanting to chase health and fitness but not give up drinking)…anyhow he speaks openly of being sober for almost 20 years and his battle with alcohol. It gave me the idea to load my audio queue with sober podcasts.
Jenn
Rich Roll sounds interesting — I’m going to check him out. The exercise piece is one I haven’t focused on, and it would do me a world of good…
I personally don’t consider it failing to be truthful with yourself and acknowledge that it’s no longer working for you. It’s okay to let go of things that no longer serve us. It doesn’t matter if it’s alcohol, a job, a relationship or anything at all. It really doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about our choices. I held on to drinking for so long because of the same reasons. A weight was lifted when I was finally truthful and acknowledged that it was hurting me and ruining my life. I had become a shell of a person. Letting go also gave me the courage to get help. It took a long time before I was able to build some sober momentum. I kept getting back on the horse as soon as I fell off. 3.5 years later, after all the work I’ve done on myself and the peace I have in my life, I hold my sobriety close. I too struggled horribly with the addict label. I was able to start viewing it through the lens of suffering from the disease of addiction. My disease is currently in remission today. I hope this helps. Hang in there. One moment at a time.
Hello Jaime,
Yes, your words help. “Alcohol was hurting me and ruining my life”. That’s about where I am. I clearly have a serious hang-up with the concept of addiction. It feels undignified. And unfair. But I suppose that drinking to excess is pretty damn undignified too. It gives me hope that you managed to make peace /surrender. Perhaps I can too.
Jenn
I don’t think that the words “addict” or “addiction” have to have anything to do with your journey toward more health and peace and your quitting alcohol. ….
It does feel undignified and unfair. Labels like alcoholic and addict felt like heavy giant chains weighing me down. Reframing those labels was useful.
Don’t ever give up. Ever. If you fall, get back up. It took me so long. I fought so hard. I was in so much pain. You can do it too, just don’t give up. I don’t regret a single sober day.
Hi, Jenn! Oh how your story reminds me of my own. Quit without fanfare in 2008, started “normal” drinking 4 years later and then quickly descended into wine & cocktail hell for the next three years. It is soooo much harder the 2nd time. I had also started smoking again so that was another thing I had to quit. I heard that voice, too telling me I’m an adult and I can drink and smoke if I want to, after all I work hard and it’s legal (driving to the mini-mart to buy cigarettes after 2 large glasses of box wine is NOT legal, however.)
Anyway, listen to Anne, she’s always right. This is really the easiest way to live and when the answer to alcohol is always “HELL NO” no matter what the circumstances are then anxiety will start to fade.
Ha! “Wine and cocktail hell” does sum it up quite well. It is harder this time in some ways, but also different because I’m finding I didn’t completely forget everything I learned the first time around…I’m a little less excited, and more remorseful. Definitely more humble.
I’m glad you’re still here! Thank you.
Jenn
Ditto! Good to see you back:)