I had a few hours to myself tonight so I went out to buy a few new things to wear. I found a few nice things on sale, so I took them into the dressing room to try on. As I looked at myself in the well-lit, full-length, tri-way mirrors…I felt frustrated at the fat rolls around my middle.
For a few moments, I wanted very, very badly to escape. It’s so frustrating to be hungry while trying to lose weight…then be triggered by the sight of your own fat…and then realize that your go-to comfort thing since quitting drinking is food…so the very thing that’s making you fat is also the thing that you crave.
The cyclical pattern of self destructive behavior, although not as immediately damaging, it still reminds me of how drinking was ruining my life…I would need to escape…so I drank…and the drinking would cause more problems… and I’d need to escape those problems…so I’d drink…and on and on that pattern would continue for several years before I stopped.
But I broke that pattern. I tried and failed many times. Then I finally got serious enough about quitting to actually stop drinking. I became determined to succeed and willing to do what I had to do to learn to live sober.
And so I can do this too with food too. I’ve been on a mission to lose this weight in particular since the beginning of January (I actually started a little before the new year on Dec 27th I think). Anyway…it’s just hard at times because food was my comfort go-to-thing after I quit drinking. You could not have separated me from my chocolate in the early days. But the overeating habit lingered a little too long for my own mental health.
I am doing well…I’ve lost 6 lbs and I’ve been exercising and making healthier food choices. I’m often tempted to go on some crazy crash diet because I’m impatient and I want to lose it all fast…but I have tried that before and it always backfires on me…so I’m taking the slow, steady, self-loving approach to weight loss and fitness.
Still, I am often experiencing even more raw emotion now that I’m not diving into a pint of ice cream each time an uncomfortable emotion (or general angst) surfaces. Exercise definitely helps.
So back to tonight…I did end up buying a few new things to wear. I also thought about how nice it will be in a few months to be able to fit into the kind of clothes I like to buy. Thinking about this kept me motivated…. I came home, cooked up a healthy dinner, lifted weights and went for a 20 min jog…and here I am.
I am okay now. Things tend to get out of sorts for me in my mind…but I’m just learning to deal with my feelings as they are. Getting better and better at figuring out how to live without the constant need to escape in one form or another. Some moments are easier than others.