In early sobriety I fell into the mindset that now “because I don’t drink, everything will be okay. All the bad stuff happened because I drank, and now that I don’t drink the “good” part of me will get stronger and win”.
By and large, that has been mostly true. I have become honest…before I used to lie a lot. I pay my bills…when I got sober my mortgage was 36 months behind (yes, you read that right). I have more than doubled my income…mostly by being present and engaged in my job and not ever being hungover or late. I am also a better mother and leader. And I’m fixing up my house too…
But today I had a huge wake up call. I was recently irresponsible about something very important and it has a huge impact on my life and my future (it’s private and legal in nature and I’m sorry I can’t share it on the internet). And I did this sober. I screwed my own self over basically by doing what I did when I drank…I ignored an issue just like a 5 year-old and pretended it would go away. I don’t know why I do this. It’s part of what I need to work on as a person in long-term recovery from alcohol and general-self-destruction.
It’s the first time that I’ve seen, with 100% clarity, that alcohol DIDN’T cause all of my problems, and that at the core I have a side of me that is self-destructive…and I can’t pretend that it’s not there, or that by not drinking it magically goes away. “Not-drinking” makes it POSSIBLE for me to heal and get better over time. I still have to put in the work.
The road to recovery can be very hard at times. I am still as committed as I ever was…maybe even more so now. I guess I am both humbled and scared at the prospect that I have so very much work to do on myself and my life.
I can do this.